This is a lengthy post and I will be posting this in more than one part. I have hesitated to share this part of my life--so publicly--after all, criticism is the last thing I want--but this has been laid on my heart. I'm not where I need to be, but I'm getting there. It is indeed a journey and I'm continuing to learn not only about what I can and can't do, but what God is teaching me in this process. My story is not that remarkable, but I hope that one day I'll be able to share with you the remarkable work that God has lead me through. In the meantime, here goes...
In the beginning, I was not overweight. Within a year of being married though, I had packed on 70 pounds. I went to my doctor, overwhelmed at what had happened in the last year, looking for hope and answers. He replied in a very matter-of-fact way, "There's 3500 calories to a pound, so you can see how much you've eaten in the last year. You should try Weight Watchers". Feeling chastised, despised and defeated, I retreated from going back to him, or any other doctor for a long time. Instead, I pulled out my old charts and books from my previous stint with Weight Watchers and attempted to lose weight. It was so much easier the first time I joined Weight Watchers--I only had 10 pounds to lose then. The lady at the desk even asked me to prove I had at least 10 pounds to lose before she would let me join...
And so began the journey of trying this, trying that, exercising more, losing some weight, then putting it back on. I learned to disguise some of my weight under loose fitting clothing, but I was horrified in pictures when I discovered that I looked even larger under my well intention-ed tents. I felt ugly and people close to me wondered why I had put on so much weight. I didn't have an answer then. Looking back now, it's easy to see that I was struggling emotionally in many ways. My marriage was a struggle, I had lost my father to cancer, and I virtually had no friends to turn to. We were going to church and we were both active, but somehow what we were doing and reading wasn't translating very well into how we were living our lives. After a few years of ups and downs, we found a happy medium where we figured out how to live with each other a little better, but things just never really improved.
Going on our fourth year of marriage, we hit a brick wall. I fell that spring after a big blizzard and had a nasty broken ankle, requiring surgery. That same week, my husband lost his job for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. We were running out of money and out of answers and didn't even have enough money to make our last months' rent on our apartment. We moved in with my mother-in-law until we could figure out how to make ends meets again. A month after we moved in with my mother-in-law, I got a really bad case of the flu. I threw up for days and couldn't keep anything down. At some point, I had a thought about what was wrong with me and learned shortly thereafter that I indeed did NOT have the flu, but instead was expecting. Oh my! I didn't plan that one! Who in their right mind would have? My husband didn't have a job, I was working but only part time as I was recovering still from the broken ankle and we were living with my mother-in-law. Yet, God was gracious to us and provided what we needed. Nine months later I not only had a beautiful baby girl, but we were in our own home and I was down 35 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I felt good and even though I still had weight to lose, the goal of getting back to where I needed to be seemed attainable.
But a year later, I had put all of that weight back on and then some. With each pregnancy, (there were four) I would shed a big amount of weight. I tried to figure out the formula for losing weight, but couldn't seem to get a handle on why I lost so much weight after each pregnancy. And following each pregnancy, I determined that this time I was going to lose all of the weight I needed to lose, but each time I failed in that quest and only succeeded in putting on even more weight. After my fourth child was born and I had my new determination in place, I again set out on my quest to lose. I joined a woman's fitness gym and thought that surely my consistent exercise would be the key. I felt better and lost about 10 pounds, but the scale seemed stuck at that 10 pound loss. I read books, I tried new ways of eating, I cut out whole foods groups--any of this familiar to anyone? But to no avail. Then we had a big change in our life and we moved from Denver to Houston.
As we embarked on our new life in another city, my gym membership was no longer viable. Instead, our whole family joined the YMCA and I was excited about the possibility of again getting healthy and losing weight. I joined a swim class and was faithful to go workout 4 times a week. After four months of hard work, I had lost 16 lbs. Not quite the fabulous results I was looking for, but at least it was something. My swim teacher often remarked that I worked harder than just about anyone in the class, and she wondered why I wasn't thinner. But alas! I was THE largest person in the class. We continued going for a few years and I tried other activities-including cardio and weight-lifting, but nothing seemed to make much difference. My enthusiasm waned as I didn't see results, and I found myself not wanting to go anymore. I was one of the largest people there and I got tired of feeling like a spectacle.
Even though my enthusiasm waned, I continued trying. I started walking couple of miles in the morning, sometimes with my oldest son or my husband. Again, I didn't see any real change. Life went on, I gave up on walking. I tried tennis, then walking again, then a fitness video, then....well, you see...on and on it goes. I continued to try to eat healthy--whatever that meant-- and continue to try to be active and fit. Sometimes I had some success, but I could never completely got where I needed to be. For a while, I gave up completely. Yet, that didn't net any good results either. My weight continued to go up, I felt sluggish, my mood was down much of the time and I began to accept that I was just one of those people that would be large for the rest of my life.
Then I began talking with a friend in a bible study group I was in. I had noticed that she was eating differently than everyone else. As long as I had known her, she had been thin, but when she told me her story, I again had some new hope. She helped me get started on this new way of eating. It was hard, as I had to give up some foods I loved, but I was determined to give this plan a fair shake. I lost 35 pounds and felt a little better, but after 6 months of eating the same thing, my enthusiasm began to wain again...
Even though my enthusiasm waned, I continued trying. I started walking couple of miles in the morning, sometimes with my oldest son or my husband. Again, I didn't see any real change. Life went on, I gave up on walking. I tried tennis, then walking again, then a fitness video, then....well, you see...on and on it goes. I continued to try to eat healthy--whatever that meant-- and continue to try to be active and fit. Sometimes I had some success, but I could never completely got where I needed to be. For a while, I gave up completely. Yet, that didn't net any good results either. My weight continued to go up, I felt sluggish, my mood was down much of the time and I began to accept that I was just one of those people that would be large for the rest of my life.
Then I began talking with a friend in a bible study group I was in. I had noticed that she was eating differently than everyone else. As long as I had known her, she had been thin, but when she told me her story, I again had some new hope. She helped me get started on this new way of eating. It was hard, as I had to give up some foods I loved, but I was determined to give this plan a fair shake. I lost 35 pounds and felt a little better, but after 6 months of eating the same thing, my enthusiasm began to wain again...
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