I hear people often times refer to teenagers with great exasperation in their voice. Before I had teenagers ( I now have three) people would warn me with peril in their voices, "wait until they're teenagers!" From higher car insurance rates to curfews, the intent is to pull a tight reign on teens. It's not all bad and some teenagers deserve a more carefully watched eye on them. With all of that said, I ventured into the teen years with great fear that around the next corner, I would suddenly run into a creature that I would not recognize as my own child. However, as I continued my journey, I kept finding that the creature known as Horrible Teenager. didn't seem to visit my house. I kept waiting for them to suddenly appear, but to my surprise, Horrible Teenager did not show up. That's not to say we haven't had our share of missteps, mishaps and issues to deal with, but the awful creature that I had been warned about didn't seem to feel invited to our home.No, I don't have perfect kids. Not even close. Somehow though, we've managed to navigate our way through the teen years without the monsters showing up. I have wondered why my experience has been so different from that of other parents. I don't really know that I have the answers, but I'd like to offer a few thoughts that seem to have worked well in our home.
1. Like your kids! (And act like you like them!)
That sounds obvious, but we live in a world where parents often act as if they don't like their own kids. I hear parents say things like, "I can't wait until school starts!" or "When is summer break finally over?" Mothers of little ones can be especially exasperated. How often have you heard, "I just wanna go to the store...BY MYSELF!" I have also been guilty of saying such things, without realizing the impact I might be making on my own kids. While we all have our days when we aren't sure which creatures are living in our home and we can all feel exasperated with our kids, it's important that we don't continually send a message that gives them the idea that they are only being tolerated until they leave our house. After all, they are people. You too, were once a teenager.
2. Don't believe the lies the world throws at you.
One of the biggest lies I hear is that teenagers don't like to be with their parents and that teens don't feel free to open up to their parents. While I do believe there are many teens who feel this way about their parents, I do not believe they got that way on their own. Parents, though well intentioned, often send mixed messages to their kids. Sometimes parents even expect their kids to shun them as soon as that 13th birthday candle is blown out, but is that necessary? The truth is that kids WANT to be loved by their parents. Kids WANT to hang out with their parents and kids WANT to tell their parents what is REALLY going on with them. I can see some of you saying, "then why aren't they?" I'm not naive enough to think that even my own kids tell me absolutely everything, but I will go out on a limb and say they share most everything. I have tried to let my house be a safe place to share things, even if what is being shared is not something I like or want to hear. Sure, there are things that have passed by my ears that have tested my very limits--and David's too---but we still want to foster the idea that honesty is always the best policy. If you want to know your kids, you have to listen. Not just hear the words they are speaking, but really listen beyond just the words.
3. Share your own faith walk and life with them.
Kids won't ever trust you if you pretend to have it together and have no problems. While that doesn't necessarily mean they need to know all of the dirty details, they have an amazing ability to accept you exactly where you are at. The truth is, they know when something is wrong with you, even if you think you're hiding it. Kids know when Mom and Dad aren't getting along or when mom is depressed because she's tired of parenting by herself. Kids know when you're truly content with where you are at in life and when you are not. Kids also know when your faith is genuine and when you're just going through the motions. Share your struggles with them and be honest about what God is teaching you. Even as adults, we often are inspired by someone who has struggled, but overcome a difficult path. Teens are not really any different then.
This by no means is a formula or "the way" to great kids. It's simply a few principles that have worked in our home. Give it try...you never know if you too might be able to avoid having Horrible Teenager visit your home.
1. Like your kids! (And act like you like them!)
That sounds obvious, but we live in a world where parents often act as if they don't like their own kids. I hear parents say things like, "I can't wait until school starts!" or "When is summer break finally over?" Mothers of little ones can be especially exasperated. How often have you heard, "I just wanna go to the store...BY MYSELF!" I have also been guilty of saying such things, without realizing the impact I might be making on my own kids. While we all have our days when we aren't sure which creatures are living in our home and we can all feel exasperated with our kids, it's important that we don't continually send a message that gives them the idea that they are only being tolerated until they leave our house. After all, they are people. You too, were once a teenager.
2. Don't believe the lies the world throws at you.
One of the biggest lies I hear is that teenagers don't like to be with their parents and that teens don't feel free to open up to their parents. While I do believe there are many teens who feel this way about their parents, I do not believe they got that way on their own. Parents, though well intentioned, often send mixed messages to their kids. Sometimes parents even expect their kids to shun them as soon as that 13th birthday candle is blown out, but is that necessary? The truth is that kids WANT to be loved by their parents. Kids WANT to hang out with their parents and kids WANT to tell their parents what is REALLY going on with them. I can see some of you saying, "then why aren't they?" I'm not naive enough to think that even my own kids tell me absolutely everything, but I will go out on a limb and say they share most everything. I have tried to let my house be a safe place to share things, even if what is being shared is not something I like or want to hear. Sure, there are things that have passed by my ears that have tested my very limits--and David's too---but we still want to foster the idea that honesty is always the best policy. If you want to know your kids, you have to listen. Not just hear the words they are speaking, but really listen beyond just the words.
3. Share your own faith walk and life with them.
Kids won't ever trust you if you pretend to have it together and have no problems. While that doesn't necessarily mean they need to know all of the dirty details, they have an amazing ability to accept you exactly where you are at. The truth is, they know when something is wrong with you, even if you think you're hiding it. Kids know when Mom and Dad aren't getting along or when mom is depressed because she's tired of parenting by herself. Kids know when you're truly content with where you are at in life and when you are not. Kids also know when your faith is genuine and when you're just going through the motions. Share your struggles with them and be honest about what God is teaching you. Even as adults, we often are inspired by someone who has struggled, but overcome a difficult path. Teens are not really any different then.
This by no means is a formula or "the way" to great kids. It's simply a few principles that have worked in our home. Give it try...you never know if you too might be able to avoid having Horrible Teenager visit your home.
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